wait..was that to me?

do you ever get those days, where everything around you...is about you?
i'm having that day.
everything has you, reminds me of you and should be dedicated to you.

...oh. and now i'm talking to you.

so how do i let you come back,
when she wants you, but i need you.
can't believe..you
got me in the kitchen cookin for you like my first name's Betty.
got off the phone with you but I wanna call right back
i want you to ask me to stay.

cos i've got the right sort of loving.

but i know it was just a fling,

but now i'm going crazy.. should never have let this happen.
cos now i can't forget it

i really don't want to give a fuck
but now i'm a bitch in love.

just discovered Electrik Red; that was my rendition of
So Good.
but really, you should listen to:

how exciting! my first video on blog

oh, but those aren't the only changes that are going to be made. ona's pimpin' it up mainstream blog style! ahhahaha

the best thing about apple iPhone's application (MusicID) was that i found this song through putting headphones on my phone while it listened to 4 seconds worth of this song found on a dodgy interrupted home made video clip of a friend dancing in a hallway.

I. Am. LOVING. This. App.

groovin' to the muuu',

A dark hole

I haven't spoken to my sister in years. And tonight, i finally gained the courage to try to talk to her about my depression and thoughts of suicide. And she thought I was giving her attitude.

This isn't the first time she misinterpreted me to giving her attitude; there are plenty of times i just had to pretend I did, take the insults and sit idle while I wait for a raging volcano to settle. I don't like making her angry, but I don't like her stressing me out either.

Yes we speak, but I don't remember the last time I had a heartfelt conversation with her. I'm too scared to talk to her, actually..

She told me recently that I was a pushover, and tried to help me change: I opted to be walked over as a child when she told me it was for her entertainment when I tried to stand up for myself. Now I just tell myself it's part of my Pisces nature.

I DO love you sis, I know you try to help, but sometimes you get in the way of yourself.

I don't know why I'm writing this tonight, I've wanted to before and stopped myself because it was probably more painful posting it and the days that came after..

But tonight I don't care. Tonight I attempted to suicide.

Died a little inside,

i AM running out of those...

watching Seinfeld at the moment and they've just mentioned the supposed social norm of bringing a bottle of wine to a dinner party they were invited to.

maybe it's just me and i have been living a life of wrong, but i have never done that.
agreeing with [character] George, i would have thought that being there would have been good enough. Surely, they invited me for a reason other than my financial status to buy them an alcoholic beverage, right?

i feel bad when i click that "not attending" (Facebook reference) button.
i would love to attend every event and buy drinks for who i felt deserved to see what the kindness my heart combined with my money can do; rather than buying a standard glass for everyone in a bottle because i didn't want to be alone tonight.

now i'll have to feel worse because i'm clicking that button with the reason that i can't afford a bottle of wine/ casket of goodies.

don't get me wrong, now i'll probably sound like a hypocrite, but i'm excited to do something like that.
a small muffin wrapped in tiny ribbon, or something new for someone to try.
a loved something for a loved someone. right? : D

i may not financially be able to do that at the moment, but i vow that i will when i become an adult-and a worthy note: i find that being 20 [or as luvieur refers to as twen-teen], i'm not yet considered an adult, therefore, i am going to wait until i am 21. that, or when I can drive without freaking out.

it's the presumption that they expect a gift that annoys me.
what do you think, am i thinking about this the wrong way around?

contradictively, hating growing up,

bucket list

item #2:

make a song



and tuck your bottom in!

have you noticed how rude people have become as technological use increases?
as though technology has increasingly distanced the world from humans, and everyone has forgotten what manners are.
this makes me frownyface.

i remember learning manners was part of the biggest things in my life; making sure every time i went to another teachers class, i would politely knock, ask to be excused as though i had interrupted a very important meeting with class peers and say sorry for any inconvenient action(s) i took.

and i believe i still practise this well.
And now, every day i would go to work and try to be my best; offering kind and friendly service that i never get when i go to a restaurant or shop, and i am greeted with repulsive humans!
no wonder everyone else has crap customer service-we can't stand to serve 99% of you!

i'd like to go back to my technology please.

customers think it's ok to be on the phone while they walk in, not bothering to listen to what i have to say, when clearly, they're MY cinema, so MY rules apply.
and i use 'my' loosely, but you get the gist of what i'm saying ahhaha
customers think that shoe policies don't apply anymore...
customers think that they can have sex on cinema complex's chairs?!
customers don't care about what bringing hot foods into the cinema means..
..it's not just for our sake when it comes to the difficulty of cleaning, it's for everyone else's who can't stand the smell of your gross chicken wings!
and worst of all, customers treat workers like as if they aren't human beings.
and it's standard procedure that i help lower your prices for you by offering upgrades
*flees to the back of the room*

with grace,


how long is too long for a conversation on the same subject?

i was watching (2009) movie Adam, about a man with Asperger syndrome.
And with whatever social exposure he has with people, many of his conversations (likely to include his favourite subject on space- including equipments) went on and on and on and on.
but only on that one thing; in that case, it was on telescopes.
of course, he was passionate about space and so with such vast knowledge on the subject, he could obviously go on for quite some time.

but really, as a social norm, when is the time to stop?

do we stop after 4 succinct points?
the introducing point, the example point, the "just to let you know that i'm serious about this" point, and the "in case you just came into the conversation" point?

do we carry on with the conversation until we can find a slightly off topic moment which leads to another subject?

or do we stop when we see the first sign of boredom?

maybe even all three +more?
my! how complex the social world has become.

is that why we blog?
we couldn't complete our fantasy long lasting conversation with friends because one person turned your 'interesting facts in alphabetical order' idea away, so we write to ourselves until we can think no longer?

i know i most certainly do.

that and the fact that i'm so paranoid that whatever i say won't be intelligent enough for my friends, (i tend to like to research a LOT about something before i make accusations-even then, it ends up sounding like an oral presentation)

listening to my own conversation,

game on!

i have a game which i constantly play when i'm alone.

the social game.

i'm sure you play it too..
you know the one, when you realise your friends aren't with you to make you look cool any more.
so you survey the area...
until you find someone else who is also by themselves.

and then it begins.

the aim of the game is to be the most successful on the first encounter given in point systems.
who makes contact with another human being first-and likes it.
most of the time we revert to the phone in order to look like someone's given us a message, but really, it's more awesome if you didn't touch your phone, and it goes off.
extra points if your ringtone is just as awesome as your non-strategically planned effort of making contact with life.

if both players have a failed the first encounter opportunity, the point system restarts.
the ultimate win is if there is physically someone there in front of you talking.
and none of that.."uhh, you're sitting in my spot. i always sit there." (from random person)

it's super win if you enjoy the presence of that somebody. whether you make a hearty laugh from a comment, or they enjoy your company so much, they sit with you.

it's overkill however, if you stare at your opponent the whole time.

and it's just rubbing it in your opponents face if that person walks away from you, making your opponent think she still has a chance, but to find that that person has just gone off into the university's refectory (food court) in order to walk out with lunch, and not just lunch for themselves, but oh! one for you too~
oh how heartily you laugh as you eat that delicious beef kebab smothered with hot chilli sauce and garlic just the way your opponent likes it
and oh! your friend was kind enough to think of buying you fruit salad too, with delicious, juicy watermelon.
and you go over to thank your friend, slowly you lean in and YOU GET A FRIGGIN KISS TOO?! MOTHER OF A FIEND! HOW YOU SMITE ME WITH YOUR CRUELTY!



the last explorer to live.

i made so many last minute realisations today.

first last minute decision was to wake up early in order to shower, have breakfast and have a relaxed wake-up-prepare-for-uni morning OR just...close...your eyes...just...a.litttle...longer.. and find the time to slam the door shut while running for the bus.
instinctlively, the latter option sounded so much better than it reads.
note to self: it doesn't.

second last minute decision was choosing to be on time to a bus by walking, or hitching a no-walk ride to catch a bus that made me 30 minutes late for uni.
at first the lazy option sounded fantastic.
note to self: it isn't.

third last minute decisionwas to check on the reason why noone was replying back to my messages today. fustrated, i called boyfriend ready to ask him where in the frigginnignags whereyou?! only to be answered with "sorry, you do not have sufficient credit to make this call"
i never really thought of hating my phone/service provider for somethign i didn't know they didn't do..but..
note to boyfriend: i'm sorry.

fourth last minute decision was to stay away from the tavern, you dont' need a drink...your'e 80% water!
at first, this sounded like a reasonable decision.

so, i've decided, that if i was to be on Survivor, i'd be the last one on the island...hungry, thirsty, and bored, just watching, as other crew members sailed off into the distance and thinking to myself...

i wonder if there's food on the island?
but really, the point of this post was just to say that i only just recently figured out that my comment box was disengaged. after thoroughly smacking the screen to push any button i could, i realised that there already was a link to make comments. so i've made a little diagram for those who have been equally fustrated at me

yeah. it's ontop of the title. what to me, seemed like an awesome decoration turns out to mean ZERO. zero comments that is. cos i'm so used to it. hahahah please forgive me.




To Write Love On Her Face.

To Write Love on Her Arms (TWLOHA)
is a non-profit movement dedicated to presenting hope and finding help for people struggling with depression, addiction, self-injury and suicide.

It is a day where people will write "Love" on the arms of friends, families, or even complete strangers to help remind them that they are loved, for whatever reason it should be.

On the 12th of February, i decided that i would celebrate this day by writing at least one thing i loved about every friend i had on facebook.
i know...i'm super hip with the intrenets : D
i mean, pfft...300+ friends, it should be easy, it's not EVERY friend of mine in my life.

but every day proved to be so difficult. all i wanted to write to them was "am i even your friend?! i mean, i know you, but...why did i press "accept" if we haven't had more than o.5 of a decent conversation?"

i think that went against the whole project

nevertheless, i, after ... roughly a month, had gathered the courage this morning to finish what i had started.
and BOY am i glad that's over! all my love has been drained out of me over the internet
oh the SHAME on me- though i must admit, it would have been much more difficult if i had done it by hand
not to mention how much more i would have been tempted to write...

i DID learn something about myself though..
i think i'm actually quite an entertaining person to be around.
cos for most of the posts i made, i just wanted to tell them how much i loved their unique laugh.
and i seriously could just picture each and every one of my so-called-friends' laughter.

the way their eyes shut as if to take a picture, the crinkle of their noses to breathe in the moment, and the moment they bare their teeth, unafraid of societies cares of noise pollution, ill mannered women and men
(to think i only ended up writing this on ONE post only..)

and i love that about me.

then i found out, that there was a "Tell Her She's Beautiful Day" as well.
and ... you know what i find irritating?...

why is it HER arms? why is SHE the one that should be told SHE'S beautiful.
HE'S beautiful too, i love HIM as well!
we're all beautiful in our own little way, whether it's a great trait of yours, or if it's increasingly embarrassing day by day.
i think it's beautiful. and i love it.

what i HATE about them, is that they gave up, and left me behind.


i find the greatest things in life is when someone can come up to you, and tell you something about yourself that is beautiful-and it's best served unique.
so thankyou to the 15/300+ who replied back to me and gave me back some love.


push! PUSH!...no!....pull?

i was sitting down in the toilet today, when i suddenly realised...
...i have no idea how to open my door without kinaesthetically doing it.

and of course, i can't just leave this entry with just that, now can i?
so let's talk about memories.
both short and long term memory helps us to progress extensively to live life on a daily basis.
remembering how to eat, remembering who to trust, remembering how to open the toilet door.

without it, we know not how to function.
or do we?
i mean, what about our instincts?
being the inherent disposition in ourselves towards particular behaviours, these fixed action patterns are imprinted in us when we first start to develop it in a sensitive period during one of our generations.

this is what i've been trying to figure out now, while watching Dollhouse.
i really don't like explaining what the show is about, but really, in the end, it's about humans who have signed a contract to be brainwashed and hiring them out to REALLYREALLYREALLY rich guys to be programmed into ANYTHING they want and having them believe they have been living these programmed lives for years.

The scientists and the whole corporation plays with character memories, but through instincts, the main character has been able to break out of these programs and unlock her prior memories of being another character.

so are we living off memories, or are we living off instincts?
if we weren't living off memories of names, games, functions etc and we lived off our instincts, would we be a happy living organism?

and what instincts do we have? when you fall in love with someone, is that instinct?


yeah, i'll blow

being a very responsible person who gets paranoid over being caught for doing naughty things,
i naturally 'code brown'-ed myself when my sister decided she'd drive the family home one night even though she had drunk a glass of mojito that night.

what if your intestinals hasn't rid of the alcohol concentration in your body yet?
what if you didn't even have ONE standard drink? maybe it was 3 instead!
what if there's a booze bus around the corner?
what if you get caught?
what if it goes on my record and i can never be a professional bed tester ever again because my happy sleepy face just looks like a retarded drunk girl who passed out in the middle of the store?!

-i casually ask my imaginary sister-that-wouldn't-call-me-a-douche in my brain

i did however, actually ask aloud what would happen if a boozebus was to catch us, and entertainingly enough, my dad instructed my sister to suck in when the policemen ask her to blow into the machine and pretend really hard that she'd been blowing-until the police gave up.

now of course, these words naturally linked to me questioning why giving fellatio was called a "blow job"- it would be hilarious if blow jobs were defined as raspberries on the male genitalia
ahhahah ahh~ oh how i imagine.

turns out, there are numerous amounts of ways that "fellatio" had evolved to become a "blow job"
some linguists think the sexual connotation of "blow job" evolved from the expression "blowoff," meaning to finish off, to climax-to end relating to the less sexual expression, to "blow off steam". When a prostitute gave a client a blow job she was helping him "blow off" the steam of sexual arousal. In the 1930s, street-walkers offered oral sex with the phrase "I'll blow you off." suggesting the act of cooling one down, or releasing ones steam.

so, yeah.
fun fact, F.U.C.K also has many variations on the origins of the 'word'.
Fornication Under Consent of the King; whereby English folk were only able to have sex under consent of the king,
For Unlawful Carnal Knowledge; when prostitutes were charged for their 'services'
FUCK was also believed to have originated from a deciphered poem- nyaawww~ how romantic.

seriously considering a career as a linguist,