just one more day

"Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgement that something else is more important than fear."
Ambrose Redmoon

what usually helps me move on forward in life is the constant ringing in my head after something destructive happens to me.
"this has happened before
this has happened before. this has happened before. this has happened before. this. happened before. before. before."
sounds a little psychopathic now that i think about it- but it helps.
let's just hope these words don't ever escape from my mouth. : D

but it goes on to habits. good or bad? depends how you like your personality huh? sunny-side up this morning with me, anyone?
i think habits are the weirdest things that define who you are. like when i drink from bottles, i always turn to my side to drink
. he he he. model-in the making...*wiggles eyebrows*
but really, habits are just subconscious routines of behaviour which people don't think about until questioned. then do they really start to analyse themselves-which leads onto self-ignorance...but let's touch on that another day
< : ) 3

i believe i had this conversation once upon a time with work mates and they didn't think they had any weird habits at all; until someone yelled in excitement, "what about how you touch both of your feet before you go to sleep?!"
or when lover thought he wasn't weird, i exclaimed (really loudly) "whattaya talkin' 'bout?!? you eat your apple with two hands-no matter how small it is!! or! or! not drinking your powerade unless you've scratched the sh**t out of its label?! or! or!....."

others just have "normal" habits:
clicking pens, cracking knuckles, chewing ice, imagining how strangers would be at sex...

i think the cutest one i've seen is by one of the most gorgeous girls i've met in my life; when she gets excited, she spirit-fingers her ears (flicking her ears with all her fingers). makes me smile.

WHOO! happiness for the rest of the day,
p.s. is it weird to count in your head by imagining your own fingers and counting them there...in your head?


i should've stared directly into her eyes and said, "you're disgusting"

a woman in her mid-mother years said to me without feeling at all,

"I'm sorry, but your dog shouldn't have been out anyway"

as i cradled her in my arms and rushed to the front door, yelling out my sister's name at the top of my lungs


fucking woman had no compassion at all, even after running over our 3 month old puppy.

how it would have even happened. This is what I don't understand.

she should not have been driving over 45km/h, she should have her senses heightened when on the road, she should know to keep her eyes on the road...

no such thing as slowing down is there? no such thing as waiting for the puppy to get off the road is there?

ok, yes, i made a mistake of not making sure that my parents never opened the garage door. yes, i made a mistake of being human and not keeping a close watch on my puppy 24/7 because i needed SLEEP.

but even if i made a mistake, she made the fucking mistake of not adhering to road safety rules and caution. she is in as much fault, and i feel, at more fault than i am.
at least I'm paying for my part of the mistake, emotionally and financially.
Yet, she gets to gleefully drive home with no consequence.

she'd better make sure she doesn't accidentally leave her kids outside. if she believes that my baby has no rights to the outside world, hers shouldn't either.


the face of 'Ms baby of the year'

There probably is a pageant for that...

i was walking by a "YAY FOR CHRISTIANS. JOIN US!" sidewalk outlet and a couple of things came to mind.
then it was the random thought of there being sex appealing girls promoting christianity, and how it's quite impossible as that is one of the things i believe they're very much against (to an extent), and well, it didn't help justify my thoughts to think otherwise when these girls looked like hollow human bodies that seemed to be life-less but eminating a glowing warm light.

LIKE A WOMB-BABY floating in body-space.
ooh you christians are a sneaky one at times...

ANYWHO. then it reminded me of a movie i just recently watched.
Whip it!
One of the most inspiring movies i've seen in a while- i haven't had the urge like this to want to skate for so long!

There was this one scene with Ellen Page as she's about to dive into the water, she scurries her paws in front of her like an easter bunny would discard of any evidence of eating chocolate;
and it was the CUTEST THING I HAD EVER SEEN full stop

it's quite cute seeing mature kids in that moment of being so innocent and adorable, without faking it.
it's an effortless form of humour.
i despise the faking. it would make me laugh sort of like how Cruela Devil would laugh. with utter hatred inside.

like how a certain genre of asian girls widen their eyes, puff out their cheeks and lips with the imitation of a stupid mole.

something small to think about,

irrelevant to the previous entry

"you know that thing when you see someone cute and he smiles and your heart kind of goes like warm butter sliding down hot toast? Well that's what it's like when I see a store. Only it's better."

Rebecca Bloomwood (Confessions of a Shopaholic) describes stores like the game of relationships.

The fluffles of butterflies while flirting, the exciting chase/hunt after you catch that third party glancing at your thang, muttering "game on" before you lunge at your prey and the last stage, catching "sex-on-legs".

It's the same process when i see that mannequin wearing the most adorable dress i've ever seen.
My heart starts racing as i imagine the days i would wear that dress, twirling around in circles on an autumn day-laughter, warmth and all that jazz
Then i catch that other girl pointing out to a friend- she's got an eye on my target and i am NOT letting her get it before me, not without a fight!

I'm power-walking like i've never walked before, classy-like of course. i can't let her know that i'm desperate...
and i LUNGE at the dress, searching frantically for my size...the race is on and i'm putting it on, i'm checking myself out...and bolt free of the change rooms, card out, arms waving in the air
i've won.

or have i?

Rebecca Bloomwood only mentioned the first half of the deal when it comes to the relationship of Me + Shop
don't get me wrong, i do agree with her...i love shopping...

not just for the fantastic feeling of walking into a room and immediately identifying the store as my new home, as i sit wherever i please, and wear everything that tickles my fancy.

not just for the ignorance and total blank out of others in my 'new house', the realisation that others could have worn what i was wearing, as well as the idea that there are so many more copies that someone else is already wearing outside.

The suspense of disbelief as servants are at your every whim (well, not EVERY whim; ho! ho! ho!); checking up on you, getting those sizes for my ogre feet, pretending not to play detective as to where that awful smell is coming from...

Or the daredevil feeling of undressing in front of mirrors, posing with your new-found clothes as if the mirrors would take photos of you...after checking the mirrors' state in dodgy places, as if every mirror would be a two-way, of course. Not to mention, you're getting naked, just like the next ladies 5 cm away from you.

And weirdly enough, i don't dislike shopping even with the awkward silence as you wait for the desk girls to push through the transaction; i'm only THIS close to owning it, it's right there...in their hands...those hands that take their sweet-ass-time *sigh*...they just don't understand.

But it's for this reason:
You come home, excited about your new babies that are going to make you look ABSOLUTELY gorgeous and feel more refreshed when worn in comparison to your 'old' clothes that used to give you this feeling.
What's even better is the thought of the new explosion of comments on how you look so freekin good - and who better to show than the closest person to you! so you run up to them, give them your cheesiest "guess what" look...

then it goes downhill.
The outfits seem harder to slip on and off all of a sudden, you feel like you've worn it all month, you start to realise all the sweaty, dirty, grimy bodies that may have rubbed all over your slightly-less-shiny-than-in-the-store dress, the price tag appears to have extra digits.
but this is what i find the most annoying...

everything you bought went down from ENDLESS BAGS OF AWESOME PURCHASES
to ONE dress, ONE belt and ONE BLOODY bobby pin.


i hate shopping!

S.O.F (stomping on floor),

P.S.(can you get herpes from wearing tight pants?)

P.P.S. i wasn't serious about the bobby pin being covered in blood...