I love having friends-I really do; but I cloud myself in a delusional world that I can trust whom I believe to be my friends to be...my friends.
I even go to lengths of altruism to please them and get to know them; but when my delusional world has power failure and I come to my senses, I end up seeing how I was just that little bonus to people’s lives- Like the random kind act from a stranger that you love, but don’t do anything for in return.
And I think it’s just because people think of it as natural for me to do this, being that I am, that it’s not me going out of my way to get it done for them.
I do make it difficult though, even I make it hard for myself to understand whether I am naturally happy, or if I do it automatically to prevent myself from becoming ‘normal’-but it’s not masking who I am.
I don’t know what it is, people conform to everyone else’s ideas and when they’re depressed it’s always, “it’s like I put on a mask for everyone everyday” because they want the attention or they’re afraid of being themselves, it’s maybe a symptom of depression, it’s already too late...
So what do I do in times like this?
I don’t think there’s anything else I can do but let it be what it is. I shall continue to call them friends and yet know that I only have two. Who already occupy another status. DAMMIT